10 People I Would Call Up Just to Yell At Them
Raise your hand if you know someone you’d like to call up right now just to let them have it over the phone. Yep, just as I thought. OK, hands down. If there’s one thing we can be sure of in a 24-hour multimedia culture chock full of tweets and blogs, and so-called celebrities whose fifteen minutes have lasted an eternity, it is this: there can be no shortage of people who will tick us off. On the plus side, thanks to my wireless network, I’ve got plenty of minutes and a solid three-bar signal. So, without further ado, here’s a list of 10 people I’d call up right now just to yell at them:
- Lindsay Lohan – What’s it gonna take with you? How many second chances do fame and fortune buy these days exactly? It’s not like there aren’t enough cautionary tales already walking around Hollywood either. So why don’t you ever seem to get it? Speaking of which …
- Charlie Sheen – “Not winning.” Here’s another clueless candidate for having an entire wing of the Betty Ford Clinic named for him. Two million dollars – per episode – to basically play himself in a sitcom, and you apparently decide it’s a good idea to spend it all on crack?
- LeBron James - “The Decision”? Really? You got your own one-hour TV show to screw over your hometown? One more reason for me to hate Miami. You and David Caruso should do one of those buddy cop films together and call it “Blowhards With a Vengeance”. By the way …
- David Caruso – Do you not recall that you were the weenie in “An Officer and a Gentleman” who couldn’t unbuckle your seat belt and nearly drowned strapped into the simulator? Right after Lisa Eilbacher nailed it, no less? Or that Lou Gossett Jr. and Sylvester Stallone (First Blood) both beat your butt like a red-headed stepchild? Oh, wait …
- Donald Trump – How is it that a guy with your money gets out-hairdo’d by every single member of Hair Club of America? I mean, seriously, what could it cost to have something installed that won’t make you resemble a mugshot of George Jetson after a 12-day Vegas binge?
- Angelina Jolie – Are you adopting, or drafting a team for the 2018 World Cup? And shouldn’t you be at home, you know, playing the role of ‘Mom’?
- Sarah Palin – Honestly, every time you open your mouth to speak, I cringe. I liked it better when you could see Russia from your house. In other words, safely away from the rest of us. Hey, Sarah. I can see your house from here … and the walls are padded.
- Bono – Shut up and sing already. I appreciate your concern for, well, pretty much every cause that’s come down the pike in the past 25 years, basically. But seriously, give it a rest and just lead the band for a while, instead of all of freaking mankind, OK?
- Kanye West – Just shut up altogether. How is it that you’ve gotten to be a celebrity and music star, yet still manage to feel unappreciated? You should be banished to Justin Bieber Island just for comparing Coldplay to the Beatles.
- Barack Obama – Where’s my change? I had such hope for you
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